I started this post back around Valentine's Day when lovey dovey posts were filling my bloglovin feed [speaking of which... Google Reader is closing down if you couldn't tell by the thousands of other posts on it recently - follow me here on bloglovin instead]. I forgot about it for awhile, until the Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness social impacts theme, where I then edited it again, but then never got round to finishing it AGAIN. I decided to stop procrastinating and just publish it now, so here is my perspective on living, and dating, with endometriosis.
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I am currently single. I have been "officially" single for awhile now. I have not seriously dated a new guy since I was diagnosed over a year ago. In the blogosphere, and even within the endo circles I know outside of the internet, that seems to be quite rare. I don't know any other single women with endometriosis. I know I can't be the only one out there, but sometimes it feels like I am! (If you are single with endo - please speak up!)
Despite the fact that being single removes some concerns that come with endometriosis (e.g. infertility, pain with sex/intimacy issues), it comes with its own challenges. No one to comfort you or give you a back massage when you're not feeling well, no default person to drive you to surgeries or the doctor, no one to make you a heat pack when you need one (thankfully my housemates step in for this one). Sometimes the fatigue can make it difficult to get the energy to get out there and meet new people, which definitely limits your chances of meeting a potential partner. You're probably going to have to explain to some guy that you may not know very well what is wrong with you quite early on. (Having unexpected back spasms so bad that you can't move and end up sobbing in pain forces that topic into conversation pretty quickly.) It also isn't too helpful when your doctor tells you that you should get pregnant in order to "treat" your condition (uh, HELLO, where am I supposed to procure a father? Also, no.) It also doesn't help too much when people tell you that you should settle down already because you're running out of time since endometriosis makes your biological clock tick that little bit louder.
No guy I have been on dates with since my diagnosis can claim ignorance to my condition. Since it affects many areas of my life, I tend to talk about it a lot, and so naturally it will come up in conversation fairly early with guys. I'm very open about all aspects of endometriosis, and a lot of the guys that I have brought it up with have been quite interested to hear how common it is. Some people might think that bringing it up so early is a bad idea and will scare guys off, but I think that if they are scared off by me merely mentioning it, then they probably can't handle actually living with it and we're both better off knowing that sooner rather than later. (The ones that think periods are gross are ruled out pretty quickly too.)
I've had supportive boyfriends and I've had less-than-supportive boyfriends. (Note - these stories are all pre-diagnosis.) One of my boyfriends thought that I was faking the cramps as a way to con him into spending more time with him. Safe to say that that relationship is now over.
However, he was not the only one.
I have had very decent guys turn into less-than-desirables when I've been in pain/dizzy. One time I got extremely dizzy and nauseous with cramps when out with a boyfriend. We were about to attend an event that he really wanted to go to (I did too). However, when I get these dizzy spells, the only solution for me is to go home and sleep for a few hours. I asked him to drive me the ten minute drive home before he went in to the event as I was worried about having a car accident if I drove. He was not happy with this idea and asked me to have a nap in the back of the freezing cold car while he went off and attended the event for a few hours. I understand that it was disappointing for him to have to miss part of the event, but I can tell you that no one is more disappointed than me when I have to miss out on entire events because of my health. (He did end up giving me a lift home and then returning to the event - he is a nice guy.)
I am not telling these stories to have a whinge, or to point the finger. I am telling them to explain the extra challenges that come with having endometriosis. The unpredictability and frustration of having endometriosis is difficult enough for me to cope with in my own head, I can't blame guys for not understanding it or being sympathetic straight away when they have not been raised to treat it seriously.
Dating a woman with endometriosis will most definitely come with sacrifices, but I think that dating anyone will come with sacrifices. The sacrifice that comes with dating a woman with endometriosis is more in your face and uncertain now, but I think it also has the potential to build a good foundation for a strong relationship by facing trials early.
As for being single with endometriosis, I believe that it has made me a stronger person. I know that I can face this without a partner and I hope that that knowledge will make me a better partner and patient in the future.
